finally.. have a chance to post since bok arrived. not the holy week that i expected.. much much fun.

big changes lately. esdi asked me about one of my posts, the dear you love me whatever. it's my way of saying goodbye and letting go of all the hope that i have.

iman and i talked about it already. i can't say that we agreed because, it's his decision, not mine. he decided that we can't go back anymore. we'll be friends. that's it. even the possibility of recon is not on his mind and heart anymore.

how can you fight for that kind of situation? how can you accept things that you don't want to accept. how come that im living my life now based on the decision of other people??

THIS IS NOT WHAT I WANT.

i want a chance. another chance. but how come he doesn't want to give that to me?

okay. okay. stop.

i really don't understand and it's really hard to just get by. tsk.

and i can't talk about it. we can't talk about it. because it'll drive him away from me.

*******

i'm praying that i'll get tired soon. tired of hoping. tired of making an ass out of my myself. tired of loving.

*******

love life. i'm not loving mine now.

*******

i like someone. i cant say i like someone now because i already like him even befeore i met iman. i want to take everything away that make him crazy. i want everything better for him. for us. i smile because of him. and when i want to take the pain away, i read every line from him, hoping to find something..some hope.. between his lines.

looking forward to everything associated with him.

sad part is.. i ALSO can't have him. i want to reveal myself to him just to show i am more than who he thinks i am. may not be his ideal but a lot more than that.

please know me more.