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salamat..

it was a hot afternoon..quite unusual for the rainy season..it was June then, and we were having our serving of tea..cold..iced..fast forward..we were sitting and trying to kill time..hoping to remove all these uneasiness and boredom that we were having for the past hour..can't recall how it started..who started..but i found comfort in you..and you to me..it was the kind of comfort you long for from all those loneliness.

i remembered that! and when i think of it now, that marked the beginning of something right? though i didn't expect it because as you've sadi, we're not in the same wavelength. but who would have thought that..like what you said.. i found comfort in you..and you to me..it was the kind of comfort you long for from all those loneliness.. don't know if you still feel that way though.

if you only knew what was going through my head..you made me put them into words..i didn't know if you noticed how tears started to come out of my eyes..my voice was cracking..i tried to hide it with my smile..with my laugh..and i was successfull..it was never in my nature to talk that way..that fast.

i didn't notice that. i was focused on what you were telling me. and how amazed i was that a man with jokes and a smiling face could tell me such things, such intense feelings and such deep thoughts. it's like letting me take a peek in that side of yours that only a few could see.

if you only knew in one blink..everything felt good..i discovered so much..and learned a lot..all those moments that we missed and could have shared flashed through my face..and now here we are..sitting again..but everything is different..so much has changed.

i don't know how it turned out that way so fast. and i could still remember when we were talking about the times or moments that we've missed. i thought of our last days back then and i was hoping if we could still extend it somehow. because after 25th, i know it would be separate ways for us and for our friends and i'm not sure if we could still talk of things the same way that we did back then. but what i remembered, i have gained so much lessons, not only about you but from the things that we were talking about as well.

if you only knew how i saw the happiness covering your face..exhilirated. you have found almost everything. you have made your way out. loneliness replaced by happiness. i can see how much you've changed and i believe that so much joy is still in store for you. me? yes, i know you can read me well enough..i'm trying to make may out. finding my way into happiness. i'm never lonely..for i know you're here..but literally i'm lonely but happy..as i put it. we put it. and i know your happy that i'm happy..and enough with the word happy.har har.

would you see the happiness now? im back again to where i was before. and i could say i haven't found everything. but i believe that so much joy is still in store, not only for me, but also for you. for us. we could and we would make our way out. and if you could still remember, i said i'll be okay, as long as you are there.

if you only knew..we parted ways..words were spoken..some we can't recall anymore..but i will always cherish those moments. and i forgot to tell you "thank you".

and i won't stop thanking you as well. but as i see it, you don't really have to thank me. what i did and what i am doing is because you deserve every bit of it.

if you only knew..how your words sheltered me...how your time made me strong..how your voice covered my ears (and those of others)..how you made me feel..how you made me laugh..and smile.

would you know how much help you've given me? those conversations that we had [whether small talks, nonsense stuff, sms or fone talks], it really helped me get through. how it comforted me.

and again i thank you for making me feel important..that i am someone worth your time..yes, you're right "i was never a nobody"..for in your eyes "i was never a nobody"..and that is enough to keep me going.

and i would still think of you that way. see you that way. you are somebody worth of anyone's time. of anybody's emotion. if they don't see you in that light, it would be their loss. and for whatever moment that anyone in that place makes you feel that you don't deserve what you have right now, let them be. you know for yourself how great you can be. and if by any chance you still feel alone, i am still here.

remember the day.cause even the impossible is easy when we got each other..one day we're gonna get so high..

i won't forget that day and i hope you won't as well. i believe that you would be happy someday soon. and i hope i would be too. so much in store for us and i would really hope you would still be here for the next tomorrows.

i have a long ist of things that i should be thankful for.

...work
...our hires this month. so enough to even exceed xave's target. yey!
...iya.lester.janis.brian. the best guys

...friends
...roselle for hanging out with me every weekend so i wont get sad
...jayjay for talking to me everyday
...iya.lester for making my day at work so bearable
...princess for sharing thoughts with me, understanding me, and loves me still kahit antukin akong bata
...esdi for still remembering me
...feu friends, ust friends, sls friends, spl friends, 3i friends

...family
...bok is here. jp is here.
...cousins still rule

...money
...no prob with this one kahit nashort ako this week
...bought ixus 75 with my own savings. yey!

a lot right? God gives me belssings to compensate for that one thing that makes me sad.

i really am thankful.

but...

i am still sad.

there's still one part in my life that is currently empty.

i mean, to whom will i share my fulfillment, our hires, my happiness, my plans.

aside from friends and family, that is.

i want someone that will listen to my stories everynight, my complaints, my jokes, my achievements.

but i am thankful really.

but can't help to still want for someone.

iman and i? no chance at all. his decision not mine.


and i also stopped looking. im now just waiting.

complicated = life
who complcates my life = me
who caused me to comlicate my life = people around me who don't care about what i feel

hahahaha. :)

want to do something that is life changing.

inquired at ust grad school. really want to study again, have my MA. or probably go somewhere far and live independently. or change my personality and image.

don't you get bored with your life?

i want to go to church everyday and ask for redemption. hahaha. i think God has enough of my stories already since i tell them the same old situations everyday.

pede ba ako maglabas ng bigat ng loob dito?

ok na ko. wala ng inaasahan. wala ng disappointment. wala ng expectations. tapos nagparamdam ka na naman. tapos lahat ng inipon ko na lakas unti unti na namang nawala. nakakaasar kasi bakit ba ako nagpapaapekto sayo. bakit pa ko nagiisip ng tungkol sayo. bakit kasi hindi na lang ako maging numb sa lahat lahat. nakakainis ka talaga. hinila mo na naman ako pabalik. panu na ngaun. hindi ka na naman nagpaparamdam. lugmok na naman ako. tae ka. nagparamdam ka lang nung nawala ung babae mo. anu ngayon? may babae ka na naman kaya ka ganyan. tae ka talaga.

at ikaw naman. i love you i love you ka jan tapos dudugtungan mo ng friend. isa ka din e. paasa ka. pasalamat ka hindi ako kumagat. alam mo ba na mahirap magpigil ng nararamdan ha?? gusto ko na ikaw sigawan! malamang hindi ko gagawin un kasi gusto ko sabihin sayo na kung anu naiisip at nararamdaman ko pero hindi naman pede din un! bakit kasi ulit hindi ako pede maging numb? at bakit kung kelan ok na ko na akala ko pede ka na e may biglang magpaparamdam at maglalaho na naman. para san? para mapagisip ako kung tama ba nararamdaman ko?

arrrgh.

at ikaw pede bang magplace ka muna bago ka mangpressure na kelangan ko ng madaming endorsements! mahiya ka nga kasi dadalawa pa lang hires mo e end of 2nd quarter na! tsss. wala kang karapatang manghingi ng productivity ko dahil ikaw mismo hindi productive!!!!

gusto ko sumigaw ng malakas!!!

ano ba! asan na ung txt mo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
ano ba!!! bakit ba ganyan ka at pafriend friend ka pa!!!!

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrgggggggggghhhhhhhhhh!!!

gusto ko tumalon baka sakaling mabagok ang ulo ko at maapektuhan ung naka-assign sa feelings ko!

gusto ko magpakalayo at bigla na lang maglaho.

this is not fun anymore.

:(