dear mister,

you've been in my mind for the past weeks. sad but i think you only think of me when you dont have anything to think about. :)

i smile everytime you remember me and it's enough to take all the pain away. :)

i hope everything is going well on your side. i miss your thoughts. and if everything sucks, you know i really want to help you with things for them to be easier. but then i can't because you're not mine.

it's been years and it's really one of my favoirte thoughts.. how will your hand feel.. how will it feel if you hug me.. how will it feel to take care of you.. how will i feel if you love me..

i don't know if you feel it but i hope that you don't. because i'm scared. scared of what you might think. scared that you'd go away.

but don't worry. i'm not hoping that you'll love me like the way you loved them. i know where i should stand. it's just that, i hope you could know me.

you know the reason why i don't want to hope? because i feel i'm not enough. i'm not pretty enough. i'm not responsible enough. i'm not intelligent enough. i'm not good enough for you. not good enough to bring to your parents. but if you could just see beyond what you're seeing..you'll see a good person. and i'll love you the best way i know how.

sometimes i'd like to think you and me together. then i'll be telling our kids.. "you know how dad and i met? it's one rainy month and..." so on..

probably it's a nice feeling to have you. i really want to have you... i'll pray to God that if He's saving something better for me..I'll pray that it's you that He'll give..

i dont want caramel frap anymore. i'd like teez freeze this time....


i love you,
leah


i'm not like the girls that you've known
but i believe i'm worth coming home to

finally.. have a chance to post since bok arrived. not the holy week that i expected.. much much fun.

big changes lately. esdi asked me about one of my posts, the dear you love me whatever. it's my way of saying goodbye and letting go of all the hope that i have.

iman and i talked about it already. i can't say that we agreed because, it's his decision, not mine. he decided that we can't go back anymore. we'll be friends. that's it. even the possibility of recon is not on his mind and heart anymore.

how can you fight for that kind of situation? how can you accept things that you don't want to accept. how come that im living my life now based on the decision of other people??

THIS IS NOT WHAT I WANT.

i want a chance. another chance. but how come he doesn't want to give that to me?

okay. okay. stop.

i really don't understand and it's really hard to just get by. tsk.

and i can't talk about it. we can't talk about it. because it'll drive him away from me.

*******

i'm praying that i'll get tired soon. tired of hoping. tired of making an ass out of my myself. tired of loving.

*******

love life. i'm not loving mine now.

*******

i like someone. i cant say i like someone now because i already like him even befeore i met iman. i want to take everything away that make him crazy. i want everything better for him. for us. i smile because of him. and when i want to take the pain away, i read every line from him, hoping to find something..some hope.. between his lines.

looking forward to everything associated with him.

sad part is.. i ALSO can't have him. i want to reveal myself to him just to show i am more than who he thinks i am. may not be his ideal but a lot more than that.

please know me more.

simpleng holy week lang naman ung kinakaexcite ko. magluluto kami ni pating. manonood ng dvd. magkukwentuhan.

hindi ko naman inakala na ung taong pinakaiintay ko na dumating para maging maligaya kami.. makikita ko ung araw na yun.

walang pasabi dumating si bok.

nag-iba bigla ung takbo ng mundo.

biglang naging magulo sa bahay. naging maingay. naging makalat. pero lahat sa magandang paraan.

may kuya bok na ulet ako. may kasama na ulet kami gumala. may mamumuno na naman ulet ng kalokohan.

nagmature na daw sya. pansin ko nga. di na sia namamahid ng sipon samen.

gusto ko pakinggan ung mga kwento nia. andami niang baon na kwento.

sana lang matumbasan namen ung kasayahan na pinadama nia smen ngaun.

kagabi, ansarap nilang picture-an. ansarap nameng picture-an. nabuo ulet kami. kumpleto na sana. si kuya jp na lang. masaya ako kasi alam ko masaya ung tita ko. kasi masaya din ung best friend na pinsan ko.

may kuya bok na ulet ako. may makikinig. may magpapayo. may masusumbungan. may matatakbuhan.

dear you,

it's been a long time since we last talked, since we last went out. i miss the old days. i miss us. i miss you.

alam ko hindi nangyari ung gusto nating mangyari. or gusto ko mangyari. kasi di ko naman sigurado kung talagang ginusto mo na makasama ako habang buhay.

alam mo ba ana malaki ang pagsisisi ko sa maraming bagay. maraming bagay. alam ko marami akong pagkakamali at pagkukulang sayo. naalala mo ung sinabi ko tutulungan kitang gawing madali at masaya ung buhay mo? hindi ko natupad un. pasensya ka na. pasensya ka na sa mga panahong hindi kita hinahayaang gawin ung mga bagay na gusto mong gawin. pasensya ka na kung pinipigilan kita sa maraming bagay. pasensya ka na kung hindi kita hinayaang magenjoy at magpakasaya.

hindi un ang intensyon ko. na hindi iparamdam sayo ung kaligayahan na maibibigay ng iba. ang gusto ko lang..ingatan ka.. na wag ka mawala saken.. ingatan ka.. na wag ka mapahamak.. na nawala sa isip ko na malaki ka na.. may sarili ka ng isip.. kaya mo na tumayo kahit wala ako..

at sa lahat pa ng mga pagkakamali ko sayo.. sna mapatawad mo ko at sana maintindihan mo bakit ko nagawa un.

alam ko na kung gugustuhin mo man na magkaroon ka ng girlfriend, alam ko na hindi na ako ang pipiliin mo.

pero ang hinihingi ko lang sayo, chance. chance na maparamdam ko sayo kung gano kita kamahal. chance na maparamdam sayo na kaya ko magbago. chance lang para mapasaya kita.

pero alam ko na kahit anong gawin kong pagmamakaawa... hindi mo na ibibigay saken ung chance na un..

mahal kita.. mahal na mahal..

love,
me